Life Happens!

This is an older post from Thanksgiving; however, the content works for every occasion and something I very much wanted to share.   

So, I would love to say that my wish for the perfect preparation for the perfect Thanksgiving day went splendidly, but alas I cannot. For I am the queen of procrastination.  I really did wake up this morning refreshed and raring to go, O.K. well maybe not refreshed or raring, for those of you who know me, but at least I woke up with a plan.  Anyway, everything was going along splendidly until I realized what a monumental task lay ahead of me.  So I did the unthinkable.  I asked my amazing 16 year old daughter to give me a hand and completely clean the kitchen from top to bottom while I tackled the other cleaning that needed to be done.  Sounded like a good plan to me.  The cleaning would get done and I would not have to face the kitchen until I was ready to begin baking for tomorrow. 

   Now in retrospect I should have know that asking her that question would be a mistake.  She would either complain about the task then go about it with as much spit and vinegar that a teenage girl can muster or she would take on the task eagerly turning what should have taken half an hour into an all day extravaganza.  Well it is 8:00 Wednesday evening and my kitchen is almost done.  But I did not have to put up with an unhappy teenager all day and I now have an almost spotless kitchen so that right there are things to be grateful for.
    I on the other hand did not get anything of the task from my list done today.  I have not gone shopping, but I did make my list. My living room is not vacuumed, but the vacuum is in the room. My bathtub did not get scrubbed, but guests will not be using it anyway.  You get the point. 
    So what do I have left to do tonight... EVERYTHING!  But I will be doing it in a spotless kitchen with my amazing daughter who even though I did not set the best example today was able to take care of what needed to get done.
    We all have days when our best intentions are nothing more than that, intentions.  Life happens and sometimes it just gets in the way of what we have planned.  And that is O.K.  We just need to be able to get back on track and begin again.  Never stop making plans for your life for your day for you hour even if those plans don’t happen when you expect them to.  They will happen when they are meant to.
   

What You Don't Want To Know... And What Your Kids Don't Want To Tell You

     I am sure this might enrage a number of people but this is something that I feel I must put out there.  I have compiled a survey for teenagers in several areas of my state.  I have asked for complete honesty and I have promised complete confidentiality however I believe that the answers are imperative for adults to not only be aware of but to learn how to understand who our children are and what is going on in the world in which they live.  

     I am going to provide the survey for everyone to see and would love some feedback.  I can not promise anonymity if you provide answers in a comment however I can copy and paste your response without reveling your identity if you email me at caring_hands@comcast.net. Please take some time because this topic affects us all!

1. Do you feel like you have a close relationship with your parent(s)?  Can you talk with them about ANYTHING?
2. Who is the first person you think of when you have something serious you need to talk with another person about.
3. Do you feel like you parents know and understand everything about you?
4. If you do not talk with your parent(s) is it because you fear their reaction or because you think it is none of their business?
5. Do you think your parents treat you reasonably for the age that you are?
6. Do your parents monitor your actions and activities or leave you to do what you want when you want?
7. Do you drink?
8. How often do you drink?
9. How much do you drink?
10. What kind of alcohol do you drink?
11. Do you ever drink alone?
12. How do you get your alcohol?
13. Do you know someone who drinks?
14.     0-5 people    6-10 people 11 or more people
15. Do you use tobacco products?
16. What kind of tobacco products do you use?
17. How often do you use them?
18. How do you get your tobacco products?
19. Have you ever smoked marijuana?
20. How often do you smoke marijuana?
21. Do you know someone who smokes marijuana?
22.     0-5 people    6-10 people 11 or more people
23. Do you ever smoke marijuana alone?
24. How do you get your marijuana?
25. Do you use any other form of narcotic?
26. How often do you use other forms of narcotics?
27. Do you ever use narcotics alone?
28. Do you know someone who uses other forms of narcotics?
29.     0-5 people        6-10 people         11 or more people
30. What narcotics do you (have you) use(d)?  This includes prescription narcotics that you have either used more than you should or used another persons prescription.
31. What narcotics are being used by people you know?
32. Have you ever had sex
33. How old were you when you had your first sexual experience (other than intercourse)
34. How old were you when you started having sex?
35. How many partners have you had?
36. Do you ALWAYS use protection?
37. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
38. Do you think that sex is serious or is it just something to do.
39. Has anyone ever pressured you into having sex (or doing something sexual with them) by either force or emotional coercion (if you love me...)?
40. Do you regret loosing your virginity?
41. Do you regret that you have not lost your virginity?
42. Have you ever taken proactive pictures?
43. Have you ever taken nude pictures?
44. Have you ever filmed your self or been filmed?
45. Have you ever posted these pictures on line?
46. Have you ever Sexted anyone?
47. Have you ever felt depressed for more than 2 days in a row?
48. How often do you feel depressed?
49. Do you ever feel stressed?
50. How long do you feel stressed?
51. What causes you to feel stressed?
52. Do you think you have ever had anxiety?
53. What has caused you to feel anxious?
54. Do you ever feel out of control?
55. Have you ever felt violent?
56. Have you ever feel aggressive enough to hurt something or someone?
57. Have you ever been bullied?
58. Have you ever bullied another person?
59. Have you ever been threatened by a peer?
60. Have you ever been abused by anyone?
61. Do you think there is anything in your life that you would want or need to discuss with someone with experience talking with teens?
62. If not discussed already is there something you think is important enough to add to this list?

Fear Makes Us Stupid

     When my children were babies one of our favorite pastimes was playing peak a boo.  The range of emotions on their faces was amazing each and every time.  The fear that I was gone from their sight.  The anticipation of my coming back. The pure joy and excitement when they were able to see me again.  Though it was just play time for my little ones, for me it was a life lesson to both them and myself.  My children learned that they could depend on me always being there for them and I learned through the eyes of my children that just because it is not seen does not mean it is not there.

    This is be a topic very close to my heart but I feel I must warn you before you begin.  If you are a parent and you were a perfect child: never once stepping over the line causing your parents to worry stress or yell, if you never missed an assignment were late for curfew, never drank at parties or said a bad word (even if it was just in your mind), look away now.  Do not continue reading, this does not pertain to you.  If you are the child of one of these parents well then I will have to ask you to look away as well.  If you are under the belief that your parents could never have been found guilty of one of these heinous activities then you may also be mortified and offended at my next thought. 

    Just as Santa Claus the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are rooted in a world of fantasy and make believe, so is the notion that you, any of you,  child, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or even your pastor, could have made it through life without the occasional (all be-it accidental) jaunt across the proverbial line.  We are all guilty of acting human and making mistakes.  None of us are blameless.

    Regardless of what we as parents want to believe we are not raising perfect children.  They are human and therefore they will make mistakes. Most of these mistakes are only avoidable if there is communication.  I am not saying put the fear of your wrath into them.  Nothing they are feeling is any different than what any of us felt at one point in our lives.  The only difference is that a lot of these children are feeling and doing these things at a younger age.  The sad fact is that many of these children are making these mistakes or misguided choices without the wisdom of their parents. There is a deplorable lack of communication between parents and their children.

    What I see over and over are parents who are oblivious to what their children are doing, and children who will not talk with their parents out of fear of how their parents will react.  I have spoken with many parents who continually utter the phrase “my child would never do that”.  Guess what? They would do those things, and if they have not already they are thinking about it.  I have also worked with children who have repeated to me over and over “ I can’t tell my parents.  They would never understand. They would never have gotten into this situation.” Well guess what, again.  Many of these parents I knew as teenagers, or have learned about through talking with them.  What I know and have learned is that they did get into many of the same situations.

      I will never understand why it is that parents, not all but many, find it impossible to talk with their children about  their own mistakes.  Doing this can lessen the chance of the child making the same mistakes.  So what if you are the one, the only, blameless parent out there. Talk to your child help them along their journey.  There are only a few things a child should be fearful of, and PARENTS ARE NOT one of those things.

    Why not talk to your children.  Talk to them about their lives. Talk to them about yours.  Talk to them about any thing and everything.  Let them know that anything they will ever need to discuss is open for discussion.  If it is something that is hard for you to hear,  SUCK IT UP!  Sit through the conversation and then freak out on your own time.  Do not freak out on them while they are opening their hearts and lives to you.  It will only cause them to shut down.  Regardless of what you want to believe, what they want to discuss has already taken place or they are considering it.  They need guidance and understanding followed by firm consequences to actions.  Not the other way around.  Open yourselves up to your children you may be surprised by the outcome.  Never let the fear of knowing about the things your children may, or may not, be doing stop you from hearing what they have to say.  Fear can make you do very stupid things.  Avoiding conversations about the inevitable issues of childhood is a very stupid thing to do.

    Think of it this way if your child is not talking to you than who are they talking to?

The Need For Self Affirmation

Each of us have, at one point or another, had to endure rude, spiteful, or hateful comments from another person.  I am sure, if you are anything like me, these comments have either been ignored, laughed off, or quite possibly started an all out war, with the evil little person in question, ending life long friendships, putting strains on family gatherings, and even halting relationships from the get go.  People, I include myself in this category, can be cruel, either intentionally or unintentionally.  They say things out of fear, jealously, or ignorance.  The spoken word is powerful.  Once it is out there, it is out there forever. We can try to pretend it did not hurt and most of the time we may succeed... for a while. Unfortunately we are only human and emotions and memories can, and often do, get the best of us.  They are sly and ambitious, waiting in the dark recesses of our mind for the moment to be right.  Then, like a lion stalking its prey, these memories attack.  We question, we doubt, we internalize. 

    While we might never be able to stop negative things from the outside from getting in, there is something we can do to help derail the lion of emotion and memories from attacking from the dark.  If we remind ourselves daily that we are wonderful, we are powerful, and we are in charge of ourselves.

    Take some time each day for a little positive self affirmation.   Build yourself up because you never know who is waiting to pull you back down.  The power to see ourselves how we want to be seen comes from within.  Become who you are and others will see that person as well.

Some Suggestions for PSA (positive self affirmations) are as follows:

I am beautiful (handsome)!

    I am strong!

    I am courageous!

    I am able: I can do anything I set my mind to!

    I am not alone: I am my own best friend!

    The way others perceive us is a constant concern for people.  It starts when we are just children. Our parents make us put on our Sunday best when guests are expected, or for an outing with the family.  It continues as we progress through school always having to have the latest fashion and being ridiculed when we do not.  Our hair, our weight, and the way we walk and talk all become issues of great priority. 
    When have we ever looked in the mirror and thought: “What do I see?” not “What do others see?”  Build your self image from the inside out.  Be who you are, and let the chips fall where they may. 
    Do you see yourself as the kitten or the lion?